Another beginning
I have an email community that I’ve been updating for years, chronicling Erika’s journey with Melanoma, the birth of our daughter, Erika’s transition and how our life continues in the next chapter. The last one had been more than a year ago when I found our house in Petaluma. I just sent one today, on the one year anniversary of our move from SF. This excerpt of the email goes into the depths of my experience during this last year, getting our home and lives settled and my inner struggle to birth this blog.
It has been my intention this last year or more to get my blog together, in some respects that was a big part of this email. I wanted to have the blog “go live” with this email and was feeling stuck. I had the domain name and one little descriptive post, it was live and I froze so no one knew about it. I was in the depths so nothing was really moving forward. I was writing in Google Docs, it was raw and unabashed, they weren’t in the blog but I was wanting them to be when I got around to sharing it. Then I rose, with my decision to finally put my foot down and say that it has to be done now and this is what has happened. I found my way across to the other side and in the last couple weeks going through the anniversary of Erika’s transition followed that week by what was our wedding anniversary, with the following week being today, the anniversary of our move to Petaluma.
Those beginnings have brought us to this beginning. Something came up for me last week in regards to my journey and where I am now, “Stepping into greatness was preceded by retreating into darkness.” This last couple of years I’ve had some of my greatest growth and realizations about myself and my journey and yet the curiosity of what I’ve experienced in this last year is that splattered throughout all of the joy, transformation and evolution we’ve been through, how much I still struggle with procrastination, laziness, fear, depression and not really believing in myself so I was having a hard time reaching out to connect when I wasn’t sure where I was really coming from.
Believing in myself and knowing where I was planning to go would get cut off at the pass and I just needed to find a way around the broken bridge. There are always choices, like taking a flying leap or looking for the “safe” route on land or maybe a boat is there to help. This is how my life has always been, riding the roller coaster and always finding my way back to me. I believe we come into this life having greatness and we will go back, in our transition away, to greatness but here, human and in between, we’ve lost touch with our greatness. A great deal of our journey here is the work to find it again. Even if it’s just glimpses, look longingly and pay attention as they may grow into a real vision of who you truly are. Often I feel as if I lead two lives or at least two, the two sides of the coin, my Jekyll and Hyde or angel and devil, feeling opposites warring in my mind. Struggling with what I know I want to be and not doing it. Cutting myself off. What I’ve come to realize is that when I’m cut off from the cord of spirituality, from feeling aligned, my access to the universal energy that we call God and so many other names, this is where I struggle. I know it’s always there, I’m just not with it.
I’ve had the support of so many mentors I’ve never met through their books and audio/video inspiration as well as people I do know leading their best lives to the best of their ability and then pushing beyond. I’m inspired by passion, Passionate is my middle name and it covers the spectrum of my life.
For the first time in my life I began a daily meditation practice, it was part of a 33-day program called the Spirit of Abundance that I did in the Fall and you know what they say, it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. I know that my meditation time charges up my day, it’s rarely perfectly focused but I get glimpses of the deep, with practice that will grow but nevertheless it’s a habit I’ve created that I’m proud of. Even with this daily foundation in my life, the choices and challenges I face in every moment can throw me off course and I find myself falling and sometimes not, maybe I end up driving down a different road that my abundant life offers me with connection, synchronicity and joy. The other day I received my Darren Daily with Darren Hardy and it was a short clip from the old Bob Newhart show.
This is a 6-minute video highlighting his approach to changing unwanted behaviors with the words, “STOP IT”
http://www.darrendaily.com/the-answer
Watching this, it felt inspiring, hilarious and humbling to think that I have the choice to just change my behavior, to stop what I’m doing and to start being what I believe I am. To recognize my greatness as a deep soul within this person Ann. This is what I have been uncovering and gestating for the last year that I’ve been in my new home. This next year is about the birthing and releasing of the greatest version of me. Today is the the day that I send out this email, I’ve been waiting for this moment to arrive and I’ve put all the pieces together and am now just starting to open and release…me.